I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. I’ve memorized your face and the way you look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine. I wonder what will happen the next time we are together and even though neither of us know what the future holds, I know one things for sure; you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. 

"Some say love is not for sinners, I believe that isn't true. Cause when I was finished sinning, love came down and showed me you. And you told me how to get there, so I tried to find a way. I ran through the garden, but I tripped on the gate. What are you doing to me? I'm so into you. And the hardest part is knowing that I'll never follow through. You're slowly killing me, & I wish it wasn't true."

:')

You taught me everything and everything you've given me. I'll always keep it inside. You're the driving force in my life. There isn't anything or anyone that I can be. And it wouldn't feel right, if I didn't have you by my side. You were there for me to love & care for me. When skies were grey, whenever I was down. You were always there, to comfort me. And no one else can be, what you have been to me. You'll always be the boy, in my life for all times. You're always there for me, have always been around for me even when I was bad. You showed me right from my wrong. And you took up for me, when everyone was drowning me. You always did understand, you gave me strength to go on. There was so many times, looking back when I was so afraid. No one else can do, what you have done for me.

Yours Truly ♥

"Can we go back to the days our love was strong? Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong? Can somebody tell me how to get things back the way they used to be?"

On repeat.

"Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind. Where do I go? Baby," I said, "please stay". Give our love a chance for one more day, we could have worked things out. Taking time is what my love's all about.  From the bottom of my broken heart, there's just a thing or two I'd like you to know. You were my first love, you were my true love. From the first kisses to the very last rose. You were my real love, I never knew love. Till there was you."

Britney Spears - From the bottom of my broken heart

Take me.

How can I be so stupid? To let you slip away. I had you in my arms, but I let you slip away. I wanted you back, but now it's too late. You've already said goodbye, and now that love turned to hate. I want to go back in time, and fix all that was wrong. Change all of my regrets, so we didn't fight as long. The regrets are what fucked it up, and they were all my fault. I was so immature, I should have acted like an adult. I then broke my own heart. Now its just too late, and I can't undo anything. I still do love you, &always will. But nobody knows. No one seemed to understand, what my real intentions are. We are no longer together, because of what I was trying to prove. It was a bad decision, &that now I want you here. Never far away, but always near. Was really hoping for you to take me back, &catch me when I fall. I need you right now, more than anything at all. I admit I made a mistake, over stepping some boundaries which made me look fake. I always said I would never do the things I did &that is the reason why its so hard for you to forgive. Its been so long, so many times we said we'd try. Only to turn around and make each other cry. Remember how its was when we first started out? Two different people, yet we shared every thought. We fell so fast, maybe fell in love too soon. Made a huge decision that now we cannot undo. I admit my mistakes, I have paid for what I've done and still am. So why is it like this, we can;t even talk. You call me a liar and say you don't care. All the while my love for you is still there. I never meant to hurt you, really. Never wanted to cause you any pain. Since you left me right about 3 months ago. My life hasn't been the same. I owe you so much, I have so much to prove to you. So I will end this with the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Goodbye baby.. If you ever changed your mind. I'm always here. Waiting. I will always be in love with you. I'm sorry you can't trust me, and won't ever let me in. I'm sorry you don't believe in me. And that I could not win. I'm sorry for not being perfect, and being able to break your fears. I'm sorry for messing up and causing all your tears. I'm sorry I can't fix it, and make you want to stay. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, and now I have to pay. I'm sorry I ever doubted it, and made you second guess. I'm sorry I was so stupid, you haven't seen my best. I'm sorry for the things I've done, I'm sorry I can't be your number one. I'm sorry I always put you to the test. I'm sorry I put you through hell. I'm sorry that sorry is not enough. I'm sorry for all the dumb stuff. I'm sorry for all the pain, and for not cleaning the stain. I'm sorry for the things I've said. I'm sorry from head to toe, I'm sorry I can;t take a "no". I'm sorry for needing you, that's just something I tend to do. I can't help it. I'm sorry that I just want you to see that I don't want you to ever stop loving me. Sorry I wasn't good enough. Sorry I let you down. Sorry for my tears &sorry for my fears. I'm sorry that I'm human, sorry that I care. I'm sorry for being hardheaded. Sorry for never listening. Sorry for forgetting things and asking stupid questions. I'm sorry I'm not as smart. I'm sorry that I made you say "we're over, its not worth it." I'm sorry for the mistakes I made, and that they broke you. I'm sorry and I would be glad to do all that I can. I wake up every morning, hoping to get a fresh start. Praying I can undo, the mistakes I've done. Everyday its the same thing, my memories came to haunt me. I never knew it'd come to this, and now I'm regretting it. Basically I'm saying sorry, as usual. Sorry for my stupidity. If you ever find it in your heart to forgive me, I thank you with full sincerity. If there's even anyone to blame, its me.
Yours Truly ♥

Lost.

Long story short;

After a long, long sleep. I woke up &started praying. Nearly missed my exam. Got in late with tears in my eyes slash panda eyes. Apologized to my lecturer. Finished an hour early. Starting to think that I fucked my first exam. Met Josh, poured my heart out. Holding in my tears. Went home, all smiles. Jaymie came, cried. Went to CitiCafe with Jaymie, nearly cried till she said something funny. Had coffee smoothie. Went to the hospital, met mummy. Glad she's okay. Managed to make her laugh. Went home, now. Starting to cry, angry, locked myself in my room. Havent eaten ever since. Hands are shaking. All tears. Tried to study. Ended up ripping off the pages. Threw my blackberry, nearly fucked it up. Thinking of cutting my hair. Dry lips. Migrain. Hungry but I lost my appetite. Shaleen managed to forced me to eat. So I suggested Mcd. Went there, together with Jaymie. Had fun, barely. Got home, tried to sleep. Panic attack, thought I was going to die. Nausea. Last but not least, I hate myself.

Bye.

Proud of myself.

Always a last minute work. Here it goes. :)

Not that clear here &not as good but my last minute work made me proud. :)

Yours Truly ♥

"I don't know but I believe, that some things are meant to be. And that you'll make a better me."

Just one of those days.

Its been going on for months now. &nothing's change. I hate this feeling and I wish things were rather different.   Time goes by way too fast. Rough year for me, rough year. What kind of punishment is this? If running away from everything was easy, I would've done it long time ago. Cause I am very close to giving up. But then, there is just something that makes me want to hold on. And maybe, just maybe. Things will be different. But then, from the way I see it now. There's nothing left there to try any more. & I know for sure he didn't ask for this. Its entirely my fault all along. I know I've said this before but I am so full of regrets. I took the person who's been there for me, who loves me for who I am, for granted. A guy who is indeed ready to sacrifice his whole life for me. Who falls in love with me, despite our differences. I just don't know if I can take this any more. Or whether I can handle this alone. Cause no matter what I'm doing, no matter how busy I was. There's always something else in my head and I can never get my work done. I just hate it.

Yours Truly ♥

So.

Went on a trip with no fucking pictures taken. Regrets regrets. Drove there & I rocked the bumpy road man. I'm so proud of myself. Okay so, shed a tear on Gawai due to thinking too much while my other mates were having fun. But not for long! I managed to get a little bit tipsy. And sang my lungs out like nobody's business. My Gawai was okay this year. Although I had to pretend as if everything's okay. &then my mates managed to keep me away from my phones. I'm so grateful. I woke up this morning, with a smile on my face. I am so relieved. I smiled because I made it through the day! Was kinda upset when I got home today, cause its all coming back to me but its fine! Its been days, and I'm pretty sure its all going to be alright. No matter how much its hurting me to look around. To feel like I have to keep searching and having to hold in my tears from falling. Its all just me, my emotional self. & last but not least, I Thank God for letting me see another beautiful day! :)

P/S: I hope you're doing fine. Ily.

Yours Truly ♥