Back on track.

Hey peeps! As you can see its been A YEAR plus since I  last blogged. Well today is the 8th of November 2013 and is a Friday. Here it goes. Throughout this year my life have been amazing steady. I've learnt so many things from many kinds of different people here in Kuala Lumpur. I am still the same old same old person like I was back then. Sure I'm a whole lot diff girl but there is surely some parts of me that doesn't change. This year I have been blessed with someone I could never imagine I'll be in a relationship with. But thank God, everything went well. I hope. I thought after an awful breakup, I could never love again. But then someone managed to open up my heart and make me see that there are better things out there for me. Life goes on. I was so blinded by tears and heartache back then and kept telling myself that my life is over. Typical teenager don't you think? Well not now, no more. She's not that girl anymore. I learned a lot from my past. Like really a lot. I'm 20 this year, yeah young. I am not going to go emotional on this but this year, although it seemed great but there are also heartaches. Of course, its normal. You know, getting into a relationship is never hard. Is trying to protect it, is hard. It would be such a waste if one is not making any effort. It takes two to tango, right? 

That's not the problem. 

But sometimes I feel like what I've been giving in is not enough, maybe its just me. I feel this way everyday. I don't want my other half to feel as if she's being abandoned or unloved by me, never. I will get up on my knees to give her my very best. Keep her happy, be everything she wants me to be. If I didn't reach her target then, I'm sorry. I'm only human, never perfect. Why? Because I was taught like this back in my past. I've loved and I've lost. I was down but I got up. I was taught to give my all to someone I love and not waste a single time spent. I cherish every moment. I appreciate every single efforts & every single tears roll down kills me. I was taught to open up and be open minded. Because I know I am the type who will get jealous very easily and always tend to start a fight. Besides that, I am also very hot tempered. But I'm the kind of person who swallows all her anger and just let it eat me up. Which what most people say is dangerous, right? I was also taught to roll away from my stubbornness. I was taught to have control over my anger. But sometimes being too careful is just going to hurt me. Though I was hurt in so many different ways, I refused to let that take over my head. Cause my heart wants it wants. I choose to look pass by all the negatives and focus on the positives.  And I don't mind. What we have is indescribably beautiful. I have flaws, and so does she. And I love every single bit of it. I love your flaws &all, Sayang. I know I can be very childish at times, but I love you for putting through all my lame attitudes. I love you for not giving up on me. I know how angry you can get at me, but you still choose to let your egos down and come back. When if it was some other people, they would prefer leaving. I hate fighting with you, although I was the one who started it at first. And I am not the kind to give up. My egos are pretty high too, and is still a work in progress. I tend to nag when I need your attention. I'm sorry for being such a baby. I'm sorry you have to keep up with my manjaness, jangan menyampah dengan ted please sayang. Its 1 o'clock in the morning and I couldn't think of anything else but you. I love you very much. I want you to know that.

"I don't know why you love me, and that's why I love you. You catch me when I fall, accept me flaws and all. And that's why I love you."

And that what makes our love beautiful. 010313 :)

Yours Truly.

.life.

I'm going to have to admit that I am just doing what most teenagers are doing. I don't blame anyone for this but myself because I got so caught up in trying everything at this age. Everything is always very tempting and I'll always end up hurting people and myself. There will be times where I'll just lock myself in my room and talk to myself, which I do a lot and asked myself why. Why am I like this? I realized I wasn't the way I am now, before. I changed, a lot after exactly 8 months ago and I am really doing things based on my emotions. I'm to blame in this case. Because I know myself. I get so tempted and I tend to get so carried away with things. I tend to not care and repeat it again. There are times where I'll just be at home like a normal teenager. I realized that I am a girl and I shouldn't be doing all these things but I can't control myself sometimes. I hate myself for that. There also will be times where I will regret everything for just in a short period of time then do it again. I feel sorry for myself sometimes. I hate the fact that I will hurt other people by following my heart. But when bad things happened, I'll just hang strong and be patience with what people have to say. I am kinda immune to the fact that I got mad at a lot. At times I do feel embarrassed but I will always get back on my feet and try to start over. I will talk to God and will ask why am I like this. Why can't I just be like, normal. You know? I know what kind of girl I am, and I also know I'm not like that. I was never like that. I hate the fact that my heart is so broken and I will start doing things based on my emotions. I will always feel as if my life is going to end at that moment. But I also know that there are better things out there and that I can do better than this. Fidelia, you are better than this. I am a rebel and I'm trying to go to a better path from now on. I never knew my life and me would be this way. I am better than this and I know it because I know so and I believe in myself and the fact that people around me are mad is because they care and they love me. I, on the other side can't seem to just take a minute and think back at the things I took for granted. There are for my own good but I ignore them. The advices and everything. All i care about is myself. From now on, I am going to be strong and start over. I have faith. I need all the supports that I need and I need strength and no matter what it takes I am going to try to change myself for my own good and also the fact that I am still young and I still have long way to go. I am a broken girl, broken hearted and just a mess. I need to love myself more and don't take others who cares for granted. 

.and then she said this.

"This is the thing. Everything that makes you sad is an illusion. You are the reason why you can't get over him because a part of you will let him back into your life. You need to convince yourself that you do not want him back. Whatever it takes you need to fight it all. And I know, from how you've been since I knew you, I know how fucked it can feel to lose him. But you're strong. Yknow that? Is it worth the hurt? I doubt it. He was great, I agree. But what keeps you around if he has moved on?"

Words from my best mate. 

Yours Truly ♥

.untitled.

..and at that point I acknowledged all my faults and I acknowledged what I have been doing wrong. And that was a huge step for me because I put all of my private side at that point. It doesn't have a conclusion, its stuck. Its right at that point where I'm saying, I'm trying to let go, I wish you would come back, this is what I did wrong. But, I know its not going to be fixed. Its not going to work out, but I'm just trying to deal with it. Every time I try to found the  word to say, what I thought would make things okay. I kept it all inside, slowly drowning in my pride. I never could admit my own mistakes, some how I thought things would fall into place. And I made a change, too late. So, here. Past all the lights, where everything is clear. Nothing seems to change how I love you and now you're going to leave. I'm just slowly dying here inside, trying to let go.

Maybe I just thought I had you here, I thought that you would not go anywhere. I abused my position, and I didn't care. And now that you no longer talk to me, and it seems that you got over me. I can hardly breathe, cause you no longer need me. I'm just sorry I found out late, but all the choices I make.. I thought of me and not how it would be to watch you walk away. I know I will never make it right, but everyday I try. In hopes you might come back, you're where my heart is at. I have to find a way. Every time I think of you, its hard for me to think of what I can do. I used to have you here beside me, I just want you here beside me. Sure, I can go on and act as if I'm okay and as if everything is alright. But then, my whole body is crying. I know I never told you why, I need you in my life.
Yours Truly ♥

      

I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. I’ve memorized your face and the way you look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine. I wonder what will happen the next time we are together and even though neither of us know what the future holds, I know one things for sure; you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. 

"Some say love is not for sinners, I believe that isn't true. Cause when I was finished sinning, love came down and showed me you. And you told me how to get there, so I tried to find a way. I ran through the garden, but I tripped on the gate. What are you doing to me? I'm so into you. And the hardest part is knowing that I'll never follow through. You're slowly killing me, & I wish it wasn't true."

:')

You taught me everything and everything you've given me. I'll always keep it inside. You're the driving force in my life. There isn't anything or anyone that I can be. And it wouldn't feel right, if I didn't have you by my side. You were there for me to love & care for me. When skies were grey, whenever I was down. You were always there, to comfort me. And no one else can be, what you have been to me. You'll always be the boy, in my life for all times. You're always there for me, have always been around for me even when I was bad. You showed me right from my wrong. And you took up for me, when everyone was drowning me. You always did understand, you gave me strength to go on. There was so many times, looking back when I was so afraid. No one else can do, what you have done for me.

Yours Truly ♥